I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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