so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
