I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
