I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
