I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
