I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
