Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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