You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize