Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize