Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
