I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
