The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
