Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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