I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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