he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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