I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I want to fling myself into the sun
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
