I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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