I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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