thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
