And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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