i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
