Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
