last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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