Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Farmville is her only friend.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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