Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
