My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have feelings that need drinking.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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