ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
