I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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