Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
