i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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