I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
