Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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