Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
