Non-Jews are for practice
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
