also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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