my soul wont recognize me after tonight
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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