plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
