The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
