Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
