dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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