is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
