Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
