you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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