At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
