I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
