i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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