Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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