Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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