How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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