My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
