In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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