chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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