This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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