Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
