Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Pants are for mortals
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
