So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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