I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
