Can Purell be used as lube?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
